I have to take it one day at a time since, and the process is harder than I thought.

 

 

 

Today was a challenging day! Neither yesterday nor today am I going to go to bed on time. I also got up at 10 AM since; I went to bed at 4:30 AM. Breaking out of the vicious cycle of sleepless nights is the hardest.

My father is getting worst. He's forgetful and irritable. Everything bothers him and then, he thinks he's the only one right. I feel bad for him however; he has no patience and will not let me help him.

Mom asked me to go over to do the dishes, because she has the flu. Meanwhile, I wanted to go to Zumba class, which I haven't been to since March. I feel like I went on a mission just to go to an exercising class. I got there just in the nick of time.
Boy, am I out of shape…drenched in sweat while huffing and puffing but I'm proud of myself; I made it.

I danced to the music like a puppet on strings. Whoever, was pulling those strings had no sense of rhythm. The few people who where in the stadium (that’s where we have our classes) looked at me with worried looks. What a sight I must have been! My cheeks were flaming red. I had difficulty catching my breath and that is I was going in slow motion as everyone was going what appeared to me as an exaggerated speed.

Yet at the end of the class, I felt an exhilarating feeling and I am looking forward to doing it again, come Thursday. I can't make the abdominal class tomorrow since, I have my bowling league.

Today I am struggling to write. I feel so tire and beat up.

I have not recorded anything in my journals. I am trying to so hard but I am not targeting anything as of yet.

My lungs hurt! They feel as though they are too big for my chest. My neck muscles are stiff, too. Pain, pain go-away and don’t come back ever again. My ankles are sore and swollen.

What a mission...God help me!!! Help me think.

I need to be well and that's a fact.

Thoughts are not flowing today. I feel dry up, as if I ran the last mile and hit a wall. I need to cut those strings that are involuntarily moving me.

Where's the sun shinning...I'm lost in darkness. I’m clueless as to the nature of what direction to take. They say the darkest hour of our anguish brings the dawn of a new day, hope so be it.

Life has to change for me or should I say, "I'm going to turn my life around regardless of what it takes."

Tomorrow, I have bowling. Last Wednesday, I didn't bowl well. I hope to do better this week.

I'm rambling...I'm human does that count.

I need two hundred and sixty nine words to make my quota, wow!

I intend to get up at eight or nine in the morning and do a one hour exercising video to take these kinks out of my system. Otherwise, I'm not going to be able to bowl tomorrow with these tensed muscles.

I was thinking of doing a weekly bowling blog, which would be a personal journal where I can rant and talk bowling. I think that will help me put my bowling into perspective.

Gee, I still have to edit this after I'm done. I hope they give me enough time to be able to do my corrections. Wow!

All in all, I feel better now. Why? Okay, I am not progressing as fast as I should but then again, I am doing something positive. Slow progress is better then no progress and that is the truth. Today I'm no rabbit; I am a turtle. Laugh my butt off!

I need to sort out my life and take out those weeds that block my sight. My vision is to be a better person with a dynamic life who is happily healthy. A positive person is what I want to be!

I know I have to start from within and work my life out. Yes, positively, lovely and enjoyable me. How divine! Chuckle, chuckle...

Here I am in pain but determine to make the best out of my life. I have nothing but God's grace. All I need is God, faith and will to do anything. I will win this battle against my self-destruction. I will succeed in my plan to be a better person. I am wise enough to accomplish want I need to do to make my mission in life triumph.

Getting a Life on Monday, September 3rd, 2012 at 11:47 PM

　

　

　

Here I am putting my life back on track! I need to get a real life; yes I need to get a life.

For me, it's not easy...I take care of my mom and dad. In fact you can say I also take care of my sister. Mom is an illiterate and dad is a chronic diabetic. He suffers from the heart. I have to feed him, take care of his medications and fix his insulin injections. Most days, my life is mapped out.

The point is, I have no time for disorder but guess what??? I live in constant disorder. I need to do so many things to this house besides, cleaning...

Mom lives in the city of Humacao. She's obsessed with looking for help for my mentally retarded sister. My sis is not toilet trained and at the age of 55 who is also a mute; she's a burden to my mother. Mom has osteoarthritis and she's sort of anorexia.

Neither my dad nor my mom drive; Dad use to drive but he lost his sight to arthritis. I live in the country and my mom lives in the city. Someone once said mom wants me at her beck and call while, I play taxi. I believe mom has mental issues while both my parents are depress; I also have bipolar dysfunction. I guess depression rules in this family but soon that too will be history.

I have nerve shakes. I suffer from clinch jaws, and I have stiff shoulder blades.

Talk about difficulties, I'm loaded major!

I have to strengthen my life, organize it and clean it out.

Life has never been easy for me, yet I'm not accustomed to this because at an early age I use to think my life would change when I grew up to be an adult. I was so disappointed when I realized it got harder not easier. I lost some hope when I confronted the leech my mom's would be in my life however, it was still bearable. Then came the day dad got a heart attack (April, 2011) and then, I became responsible for three adults. I love them but it's more then difficult.

Not to mention, my love life is non-existent! I have no time to develop a relationship. Luckily, I have enjoyed my life somewhat or better said more then most people.

Change doesn't come easy therefore, here I am devoting at least 750 words to turning my life around. I admit I'm on a self-destructive mode and have no other choice otherwise; my funeral will be before my parents.

I didn’t get to weight nor measure myself.

I'm roller-coasting the vicious cycle of sleepless nights and over eating. You see, it's easy to say you're going to do this or that, to say you’re going to fix this or that when in reality the doing of this, and that is a mission to process.

The process to change, the process to break out of the malignant ways takes monumental efforts. I hope that writing this journal will keep me in track by osmosis slowly turning me and my life around.

I know, I pledged to give you promises but I will notate them when I accomplish my 750 words since I wrote them down. I think later on I will have to edit them or add on new ones but so is life, ever changing.
What will I do?


I need to do so many positive things nevertheless; I must be consistent in doing them always that's the only way I'm going to get out of this slump. My life is difficult and I need to be strong. I stopped the merry-go-round and the path ahead of me is a rocky mountain going up-hill. If I look down the precipice all my troubles will swallow me up causing my downfall.

I hope to one day in the far future to look back to today and give myself merit. I believe that one day I will feel proud of myself for honoring my valor to do all the things that made me a better person, a healthier being and as a result of reaching happiness. In the long run, that's what life is about. Happiness!!!

You do have to work for happiness. You work hard at happiness everyday in a certain number of ways, always swaying for the joy of life. To be or not to be, as Mr. Shakespeare wrote, is more of to be...to be happy until death do me part. I vow to be as happy as I can be above all else until the day I die that's the question.

As children have a spontaneous way of having fun and that's what I have to strive for.

My promises...well to take the bull by the horns, here is what I have to do!!!

1) I have to do at least 1 hour of low impact exercise a day.
2) At least 5 days of high impact in a week to get Sunday off.
3) I have to go to bed at 10 PM.
4) My last eating bite is at 7 PM since, food should not be consume 3 to 4 hours before bedtime.
5) I have to sleep 8 hours a night and get up at 6 AM on most days, which means I can get up sometimes before 8 AM.
6) I have to constantly check my posture, my breathing, and my jaw muscles to relax my body all day long.
7) I have to wake up one-half to one and one-half hour before Breakfast. There should be 4 to 5 1/2 hours between meals: Breakfast after 6:30 AM but before 8 AM, Lunch after 12 PM but before 1 PM, Dinner after 4 PM but before 5:30 PM while these are idle spans within the allowed range and debunked on Sundays. Sundays I will have Breakfast at 6:30 AM, corn meal or oat meal at 10:30 AM, Lunch at 2PM and dinner at 6 to 7:30 PM. I hope to snack at 10 AM and at 2 PM.
8) I will keep a food diary; I will tally my exercising time and what ever else I think I need to record.

Gosh, I didn’t get to start today. I failed but my habitual person needs to adjust therefore, tomorrow I will start the road to ever changing the destructive nature I am in.

These are my pledged promises so help me God!

Positive Spirit, Mind & Body Make Over Equals Me on Sunday, September the 2nd, 2012 at 11:52 PM

Here goes, my writing life and words do mean the world to me. You see I can create or invent and that makes me God. Well, yes...I conceive magic!!!

Let's see how this goes, as far as the art of writing goes. I hope to be able to succeed in this one and perhaps, turn this into a journal of the things that make me up spiritually, mentally and by soul, or should I say heart. So what's the difference??? The soul is the hardest to describe.

By spirit, I mean the intangible me that feels and conjures from within a force that is powerful and yet not physical. The spirit is something like the religion of my self; my spirit. Oh! Sounds nutty to you but hey..."This is me and that's all I have, me. Private - me! The one no one knows." My spirit is more then private, it's energized by a force only I control.

Hey! I like this...

By mentally, I mean the will I have in me that powers my feelings, my dreams, my behavior, my acts and my emotions. The list is probably longer but so be it. (Loosing track here…I have this memory problem.) I have to will my thoughts mentally to process everything however; the mind is taken for granted. Some of my will is done by instinct. Wow! Like I'm God...let my will be done. Condition instinct!

By soul, I mean when the spirit and the mind work in communion and my gut gets involve into wanting to succeed in order to satisfy something beyond Godlike.

Okay back to square one, I would like to make this a historical notation of who I am as I’m writing about myself as an exposure to me. I have only me to impress so let's see what happens.

I need help with my vicious cycles and my destructive behavior. I need to adjust my life and balance it otherwise; I'm going to burn out my life. Yes, I mean die young. I want to live but live happily. Joy should reign and I need to feel proud. I want to be happy and admire myself physically, mentally, and spiritually to be at peace with my soul.

What does it add up to? I need to loose weight. I need to eat healthy. I need to sleep or should I say rest well. I need to have a balance budget. I need above all, I need to exercise daily. These are but a few things I have to do in order to make my life better.

I need to take the bull by the horns...Laugh out loud. Yeah, I need to turn my life around and change. I want to be in control. I want to look good. I want to feel good. I want others to admire me. I don't want others to have negative thoughts about me since, negatives smothers more negativism.

I want to be able to dress as I please and not feel a shame of me. I want to look desirable. I have many wants but I need to commit in achieving these goals.

So, today is September the second, in the year, two thousand twelve. How long will it take me? I know that depends on too many factors. I want to commit. I have a life time ahead of me. But I'm not going to depict a time frame. The abuse to me has gone on for a long time therefore; I know it will take a long time to reach the normalcy I need.

I also need to resolve my jitters, my nerves. Calm myself and relax; my rigid jaw, the clenching of teeth, the jarring of my shoulder blades, the involuntarily shakes and frowning of the temples with the squeezing of my eyes are all things I need peace with.

So, here I am and it's 3:54 AM. I need to get up early tomorrow for church and I have 651 words here 99 more to go. Wow...this is not going to be easy.

Yes...sir...ry!

My chances are slime. I need help. Tomorrow I need to go weight myself and before I come on into writing Monday morning I need to measure myself. I also have a few notes of things I need to do. After my quota is tally, I will copy those to do from a list I have to find.

I need will power!!! I need patience. I need help. I need luck. I need God's help.

In conclusion, I need a make over in more ways then one if I plan to be alive for a very long time. I will commit myself to changing my evil ways to become a better person. I am number one.

Next I will make promises...!